Let me first start off by making one thing clear, I love motherhood. I love my kids and I love being their mother. I love my kids more than any thing on God’s green earth and would do anything for them. They are my entire world, my sun and my stars and they will always come before myself or anyone else.
But no one ever tells you about the dark side of motherhood. The side that sits in the back of your mind and comes over you when you least expect it. That little voice that makes you question every move, every word and every little thing you do until you suddenly find yourself feeling like you’re backed into the corner of the ring and life is making gut punches while you struggle to catch your breath.
The little dark side i’m referring to is the D word we like to pretend doesn’t exist. Depression. Postpartum depression to be exact. And whether or not you want to admit it, chances are it affects you too. Yes, i’m talking to you Momma. The mom who finds herself struggling to get out of bed in the morning only to find the dishes piled up or laundry still left in the washer. The mom who pours her heart out for her kids only to realize at the end of the day she can’t feel anything but an ache in the pit of her stomach. The mom who puts her kids down to bed and cries by herself in the bathroom floor because she doesn’t feel worthy of motherhood. We aren’t too far and few between you know.
We all struggle, we all fight our demons every day.
After my first child, i struggled. And I don’t just mean as a mother. I mean as a person. As me, the old Jordan. I became angry, short tempered, emotional and a lot of days I even hated myself. And i’ll be the first to admit, there were days when I questioned why I even became a mom. Why God would put another innocent life in my hands when I felt like I couldn’t handle my own. I became closed off to the world, lost friendships and saw multiple changes in my life that I never expected to come with motherhood.
You see, once you become a mother, the only one who changes is you. Everyone around you pretty much stays the same. They are able to come and go as they please and continue on about their daily life. But as a mom, you are now responsible for yourself and that tiny human. You are with that baby every minute of the day, losing sleep and your hair if i’m honest. Sounds stressful right? You nurture that tiny human and you watch them grow every single day. And every day that passes, your love for them grows more and more. But that little dark side haunts you.
Here I am three years later and I still struggle about 75% of the time. I’m not a perfect mother, nor will I ever be. I have moments where I lose my cool, I yell and I explode on everyone in my path of destruction. Remember when I said I love my kids? Yeah, I love my kids. I do. And I love my husband. But I struggle. I struggle with postpartum depression and i’m finally saying it out loud, on paper and for the world to see. But i’m no longer ashamed of my demons. And you shouldn’t be either. You don’t have to be perfect or even pretend to be, it’s going to be okay.
It’s okay momma. It’s okay to feel this way. It’s okay to feel like you aren’t enough. You are enough! You are worthy, you are a strong woman and you’ll get through it. You aren’t alone. Even though you feel like your world is closing in, it’s not. Your kids worship you, even though they tell you you’re the worst mom ever. Your husband needs you even though he sometimes loses his temper and tells you to get a real job. And you are a bad ass woman and no one could do your job better than you. NO ONE!
Don’t feel like you can’t say it out loud. Don’t be embarrassed. Don’t think for one second those instagram moms have their lives all together. Those tiny squares only fit so much. I promise you, we’re all struggling in some way. And we all will get through it.
XO- Jordan Lee